Al-Bayhaqi (may Allah have mercy on him) narrated in Shu`ab Al-Iman from Al-Raqashi (may Allah have mercy on him): “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allah with regard to the other half.”
This hadith categorized as sound by Sheikh Albani is a testament to the importance of marriage in the life of a Muslim. It is a monumental step in life, a partnership that binds two individuals in a shared journey of faith, love, and mutual support.
An average Muslim male in his early adult years may have pictured a happy family with his wife or wives driving in a car listening to the recitation of Sheikh Minshawi or reciting amongst themselves. He has been advised to not go for mere looks but for someone who could teach his children the Qur’an, Hadeeth, and Seerah.
As for the average female Muslim, she pictures a Maa Shaa Allah brother looking radiant like Mufti Menk, the golden voice of Sheikh Abdul Basit ‘Abd us-Samad, and the knowledge of Sheikh Albani.
Now, the brother is married to a sister who still mistakenly exclaims “Jesus” instead of “SubhanaLLah” while the sister is now married to someone she now has to teach Surah al-Fatiha.
1. Family Dynamics: Many reverts experience strained relationships with their non-Muslim families. Some families may struggle to accept their new faith, leading to conflicts or even estrangement. As their future spouse, your role includes providing emotional support and understanding. The average individual has been told to marry someone from a good family. In the context of marrying a revert, the strained relationship between their spouse and family is enough not to have the support of their in-laws.
On the other hand, a revert whose family has abandoned and neglected is in a vulnerable situation. Now, their spouse is their friend, father, mother, sister, and brother. A bad spouse may take advantage of this knowing that the revert has nowhere to run to.
2. Community Inclusion: Reverts often face the challenge of integrating into the Muslim community. They may feel isolated or judged for not knowing certain practices or cultural norms. Being patient and helping them navigate this new world can strengthen your bond. If you are not a patient person who would be willing to guide a revert without emotionally blackmailing them, do not marry a revert.
We know it is her one year into Islam already, you want to mandate her to wear the Niqab because a woman must listen to her husband. Does she understand why she has to wear it? When will she not be overwhelmed and discard it?
Yes! He is now two years in Islam and you want to compare him with Abu Fulaan who is an Hafidh? You sit with him lamenting about how Sister Zainab’s husband taught her the tafsir of Surah ‘Imran? You let him know that you still fantasize about marrying an Imam and had you not married him but your crush, you’d have memorized more hadeeth?
Reverts need time to adjust to the Muslim community given that they come from a different background. From dressing to talking, eating, spirituality, etc., they need time.
3. Knowledge of Islam: While reverts have embraced Islam, they might still be in the early stages of learning it. Supporting their growth in knowledge without being overly critical is vital. A revert may not be able to recite Surah al-Baqarah with you. He or she may not be able to teach your children Tajweed, Hadeeth, and Seerah against your dream spouse expectations.
Self-Reflection Before Marriage
Before committing to marrying a revert, it is important to engage in self-reflection. Ask yourself:
– Are you marrying for the right reasons?: Ensure your intentions align with the Islamic principle of seeking a spouse for their piety, character, and compatibility.
– Do you have realistic expectations?: Understand that a revert may bring a different cultural or familial background into the marriage. Mutual respect and compromise will be essential.
– Can you be a source of support?: Marriage to a revert requires patience, empathy, and the willingness to guide and learn together.
Practical Steps to Take
1. Learn About Their Background: Take time to understand your prospective spouse’s journey to Islam, their values, and their upbringing. This will help you appreciate their perspective and build a connection.
2. Involve Trusted Advisors: Seek guidance from knowledgeable scholars, family members, or mentors who can offer insight into the compatibility of your union.
3. Discuss Long-Term Goals: Have open conversations about your goals, expectations, and approach to raising a family. Ensure alignment on critical issues such as Islamic practices, education, and cultural dynamics.
4. Be Prepared for Challenges: Accept that challenges are a natural part of any marriage. With a revert, these challenges may include helping them navigate their faith journey or mediating cultural differences. Approach these with patience and wisdom.
How To Build A Strong Foundation
A successful marriage requires a foundation built on mutual respect, understanding, and faith. When marrying a revert, this foundation must also accommodate their unique experiences and needs. Here are some key principles:
– Strengthen Faith Together: Make the practice of Islam a shared journey. Pray together, attend Islamic lectures, and encourage each other’s growth in knowledge and practice.
– Foster Open Communication: Create an environment where both of you can openly discuss challenges, concerns, and aspirations.
– Seek Knowledge Together: Islam emphasizes the importance of knowledge. Attend classes or read Islamic literature together to grow spiritually and intellectually.
– Be Patient and Supportive: Understand that their journey is ongoing. Celebrate their progress and provide support when they face struggles.
Lastly, be merciful.
Bashir Lucas Samson Lukman
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